mkny (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} mkny) wrote,@ 2008-07-06 16:07:00 |
|
I Fell In Love With A Writer.
Sometimes I fall into a weird state of mind. I want to pick at every single thought of mine. Psycho-analyse them to death. Wonder why I even think them in the first place. I never want to be that person though - who believes there is an answer for everything. I need my curiousity & to wonder, like any other person.
I think I've lost track of something that I have always wanted & now I must work towards that, that which is the hardest. I still need to learn to be okay with myself. I am my own worst enemy at times. That still bothers me to extents that I can only understand. Unfortunately I approach it far too negatively. Enough of that.
Today I updated my iPod & then I had a shower & washed my hair. Got dressed. I felt very good. I grabbed my iPod plugged it into my car & I drove to visit Amber. I felt like driving for hours. Seriously. I just didn't know where I wanted to go. I had one of those drives that is just perfect. The windows were down, my sunglasses were on, the music was pumping & the traffic was mild. I felt like escaping something, like all I needed was my car & her.
I feel such strong feelings for Amber. Things I couldn't put down into words - unlike any other person in my life. No one person comes close to the connection that her & I have. I am dead certain that I will grow old with her & that does not scare me. I am in the unknown with her however. I've not been in a relationship like this. The past is full of lies, betrayal, cheating & pain. Something I never want to end up in again. If I was to entirely protect myself from that I would live a lonely life. Well, her love is unconditional & I don't feel like I will ever be alone again. That I'll ever be put into a position where I feel I cannot go on & every single time I hear the lyrics:
"You're gonna make me wish for the time right before I was born, When every living breath was another new dawn"
I will not be reflecting on what we have because I believe so much that it is forever.
It has been very hard to accept this. Accept that somebody would actually be this much in love with me. I never thought it would become what it has. She lived so far away & I honestly felt with me in comparison that she could do much better. If anything my insecurities would tear us apart. They didn't. She offered me love, comfort, friendship, trust & honesty. My head would spin with every single confession from her heart. I would get weak at the knees but she would always be there to fall into. I never have to be anybody else when I am around her. She fell in love with my stupid jokes, play on words, concocted theories & inability to tell stories.
I fell in love with a writer.
Sometimes I fall into a weird state of mind. I want to pick at every single thought of mine. Psycho-analyse them to death. Wonder why I even think them in the first place. I never want to be that person though - who believes there is an answer for everything. I need my curiousity & to wonder, like any other person.
I think I've lost track of something that I have always wanted & now I must work towards that, that which is the hardest. I still need to learn to be okay with myself. I am my own worst enemy at times. That still bothers me to extents that I can only understand. Unfortunately I approach it far too negatively. Enough of that.
Today I updated my iPod & then I had a shower & washed my hair. Got dressed. I felt very good. I grabbed my iPod plugged it into my car & I drove to visit Amber. I felt like driving for hours. Seriously. I just didn't know where I wanted to go. I had one of those drives that is just perfect. The windows were down, my sunglasses were on, the music was pumping & the traffic was mild. I felt like escaping something, like all I needed was my car & her.
I feel such strong feelings for Amber. Things I couldn't put down into words - unlike any other person in my life. No one person comes close to the connection that her & I have. I am dead certain that I will grow old with her & that does not scare me. I am in the unknown with her however. I've not been in a relationship like this. The past is full of lies, betrayal, cheating & pain. Something I never want to end up in again. If I was to entirely protect myself from that I would live a lonely life. Well, her love is unconditional & I don't feel like I will ever be alone again. That I'll ever be put into a position where I feel I cannot go on & every single time I hear the lyrics:
"You're gonna make me wish for the time right before I was born, When every living breath was another new dawn"
I will not be reflecting on what we have because I believe so much that it is forever.
It has been very hard to accept this. Accept that somebody would actually be this much in love with me. I never thought it would become what it has. She lived so far away & I honestly felt with me in comparison that she could do much better. If anything my insecurities would tear us apart. They didn't. She offered me love, comfort, friendship, trust & honesty. My head would spin with every single confession from her heart. I would get weak at the knees but she would always be there to fall into. I never have to be anybody else when I am around her. She fell in love with my stupid jokes, play on words, concocted theories & inability to tell stories.
I fell in love with a writer.
