| a goodbye letter. |
[08 Nov 2009|09:31am] |
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dear alex,
i know you won't read this until after you get out of jail, but i need to tell you something. i'm done with all of this. our problems and that bitch with the ugly face. smh, i'm just tired of going back and forth with you. and i'm even more pissed that you didn't even call me from jail. i had to find out from her. i'm just done with all of this. you say you love me but i'm not getting that. actions speak louder than words and you ain't doin shit. i guess after all these years i can't deal with this drama. we're never gonna happen. something always comes and ruins shit. there's just no point in trying. so if you see me don't talk to me. don't call me, don't text me, don't even message me on facebook. it's done and over. its sad because i'm starting to think you never did love me, that it was all bullshit. smh a waist of both of our time. i'm sorry. i did love you. goodbye alex.
- karen.
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(Make A Killing)
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[08 Nov 2009|08:35am] |
dear you,
i know you can feel it already but it's getting harder now to live like this. i wish things were different and i wish you and i didn't handle things so differently. it doesn't feel like there's much of a middle ground anymore as the days go on. i'm not sure how to change but to just give in and doing that didn't feel right today.
hoping for a solution,
me
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(Make A Killing)
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[08 Nov 2009|02:13am] |
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Dear This Weekend, I went to bed Thursday night thinking of the possibilities of you. You, I thought, would bring probably a bit of drama (Newbury related), and probably a bit of cuddling (at Newbury's).
Instead you brought me the realization that really, really, he's not what I need.
Instead, you led me to cuddling with C at Mike's, stealing his number from Cait's phone, and being bluntly told to go after him by a very drunk biff as we left.
As Matt drove me home he told me that he had talked to biff about it, and C was just... all around a better choice. That, no offense, he'd just respect me a little bit less if I ended up dating Newbury.
I don't think that'll end up being a problem, with how he essentially avoided me this weekend, anyway. Was he really sick, or did he just not want to tell me he had other plans?
Interesting turn from last weekend.
Sam.
Dear Newbury,
Although we know I'm easily persuaded, pretty much everyone agreed. And, sadly enough, it's what I was thinking Thursday night, when I tried to imagine any interaction between us this weekend. After that conversation we had, I just can't take you seriously. What are you trying to prove by talking to me, and to whom? Yourself? Ari? Whatever. I don't really believe you, and I never trusted you. We'll see where this road takes us, but I really don't feel like I'm ever going to go on that date I promised you.
I only ever said I guess, anyway.
Woman.
PS: What did you think, when I walked in with him, anyway? Did it matter at all? It wasn't my idea to visit, I promise you that- but it felt strangely reminiscent of the time I walked into First's store with Second, and I'm not sure what that really means, other than that I equate you to him of all people.
Dear C,
......Hmm. Interesting.
We'll certainly see where this takes us.
S.
Dear First Boy,
I know. I said no more letters, so many times. But I dreamt of you last night- it was you, me, and your friend, all lying around and relaxing. There was no background, but rom our positions it seemed like we were lying on your bed while he was sitting in the computer chair. You were clicking through songs on your iTunes when he asked you, "but, how do you feel about her now?" He was talking about me. "Do you still love her?" You shrugged, and tried to explain to him that, you had loved me, but since I had gone away, it was just fading. I took so little offense to it as to be shocking; I agreed.
I woke up and wasn't preoccupied by thoughts of you. I haven't been in so very long.
I'm glad I'm over you and the destructive power you held over me for so long. It's freeing.
S.
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(Make A Killing)
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[07 Nov 2009|10:50pm] |
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mood |
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 sleepy |
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music |
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faces-scary kids scaring kids |
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Dear World,
Sometimes, I just want to sleep and hibernate for days. I want to cry, and cry, and cry. I want to lay in bed, wallow in misery, sob, be hurt and sad. I want to listen to sad songs, take long showers, and cry some more after that. I retreat from the world, pull aside from life and look from the outside in. I want to be abstract, and hope to feel differently.
I'll get better in time-I always do-but I have to have time, peace, silence, everything, so that I can breathe, and heal, and figure out what's wrong enough that my heart feels like it'll shatter into a million pieces with the slightest wound. I'll be okay.
You just have to let me figure out how to get there on my own.
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(2 Epitaphs | Make A Killing)
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[07 Nov 2009|09:17pm] |
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mood |
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 hyper |
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( Swearing ahead! )
Self,
Things are going pretty well for you right now. (Other than Shelby and other stupid people).
Tomorrow you have senior pics :)
Monday, you (hopefully) finally get to talk to Ukyo, the cute japanese transfer student.
In a few weeks, Thanksgiving break will be here. So thats 4 days you won't have school. :)
Then in a month and a few weeks, you will have Christmas break.
And...right before Christmas break you will have your last days of Spanish.
And a few months after that, you'll be gone from high school forever.
That is definetely the best thing to look forward to. :)
So, no worries. Everything is falling into place. :)
Love,
me
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(2 Epitaphs | Make A Killing)
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| To Stupid Boys |
[07 Nov 2009|05:21pm] |
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mood |
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 apathetic |
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music |
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Snow Patrol |
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Dear RL,
I'm sorry that you're not assertive and that you're a jerk at the same time. You're a typical jock and boy and you would think that they make moves but I guess you're insecure. This is really mean but I guess that's why I'm just writing it here. But what I will tell you is to stop making things so damn awkward. If anything, I'm the one that should be feeling awkward, not you. And since you see that I'm being nice to you even though you're a jerk you should probably do the same back. K thanks.
From,
The girl you're gonna wish that you held on to
Dear AB,
You suck. I'm still pissed that you ruined something so great. You were my best friend and you didn't give a shit about me. I wouldn't think that you would have done that to me. I thought I was different. Guess I thought wrong. You wasted my time for 3 years and made me feel like shit most of that time. Thanks for showing me that I can't trust anyone.
From,
The girl you're gonna regret doing something that horrible to
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(1 Epitaph | Make A Killing)
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| Dear You. |
[07 Nov 2009|11:24am] |
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mood |
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 thankful |
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Dear Self,
Don't worry. Things will get better. They always do.
You're past the part where things get worse,
so now they can only get better, right?
So we hope.
Just gotta keep your head outta the clouds,
and don't let him cloud your judgment or get
in the way of school or anything else that's important.
Keep your head up & a smile on your face and we'll
be ready to face this big bad world together.
Good luck! Love,
you
Dear God,
Even though you took away one
important person in my life recently,
you also allowed another one to enter
into my life around the same time.
Thank you. They both mean so much to me.
♥ ♥ ♥ -- C
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(Make A Killing)
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| Dear K... |
[07 Nov 2009|08:38am] |
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mood |
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 frustrated |
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Dear K --
I'm frustrated. With you, with us, with everything it feels like. And I can't tell you why exactly. It hasn't even been a month yet, and I can already feel that something has changed. Something changed that weekend you went off to visit school because when you came back, you were distant. Still are at times. I tried to shrug it off and told myself that it was just because you were really busy with school and work, and you were just getting over a nasty cold that kept you home for a week.
But now, I don't know...now it's other things that are bugging me. I'm frustrated still. I'm frustrated because at times, though you may not realize you're doing it, the way you word things makes me feel like an inconvenience to you. I'm working so incredibly hard to earn your trust because I know that those girls have broken your heart and treated with so little disrespect. But...I feel like we've taken two steps forward and ten steps back. You're holding me at an arm's length and when I want to be there for you, you won't let me. Like when I tell you that I care about you, you don't believe it. Yet, you're so sure that you've won my heart? Or are you trying to convince yourself that you've done so?
Just please, crack the door a little more for me...enough so I can at least get my hand through. That way, I can be there to hold your hand for all the rough times, the hard times, or just when you need someone there.
Despite all that, I can tell you this -- all joking aside, you have won my heart...a long time ago. Like you said. And along with my heart, you've won my affection. I can't wait to talk to you after a long day at school, or hear your voice, or be woken up by your daily morning texts before 6AM. xD I know you care, because you've told me...and the way that you react to things I sometimes say. But sometimes, we all need to be reminded. No matter how sure we are. It's good to hear that someone loves & care about you. So I'm gonna stick this one out & just...be there for you.
I love you.
-- C
♥ ♥ ♥
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(Make A Killing)
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[07 Nov 2009|02:38am] |
Dear C,
We aren't good for each other, you and I. You have dragged me through the depths of your addictions, deeper and deeper into Hell until I can no longer see the sun. I would say I fought you, kicking and screaming, tooth and nail, but you and I both know that's a lie, don't we my darling? For I walked beside you the whole way, turned back occasionally to gaze fondly at what I was leaving behind (my sanity, my independence, my life), and then, shyly, grasped your hand and continued on. I love you. I hate you for doing this to me, making me feel like I can't breathe without you.
It all started about a year ago... do you remember that day? It is embedded into my mind like a cigarette burn. You were playing an acoustic guitar, the sun blazing off your hair like fireworks, not a care in the world. Naive as I was then, I didn't know that my life would end that day. You were Charon, and I stepped williingly into the ferry, not knowing just how far into the depths of Hades I would go. Friends first... isn't that how it always works my love? We grew closer as the chill of winter blew our noses raw and our fingers numb. I began to love you then, I think. Yes... winter was when I first got lost in the depths of your eyes. In March, we kissed for the first time. I could taste the whiskey and the tobacco on your breath. I didn't mind, I gave in, surrendered to your embrace. You confessed your feelings, made bold by the alcohol, and I confessed mine.
Alcoholic, loner, emotionally unstable, I didn't care about any of that, darling. I wanted you, and you wanted me. The snow began to melt... slowly, as if it knew what was instore for us. You got lost in the depths of your addiction, as I in vain tried to save you from the demons and the inky blackness of your own mind. I would have died without you. I knew that. I sobbed in the parking lot as you begged me to save you. I screamed out my anguish in the darkness night after night. I talked to you on the phone for hours, both of us crying as I tried to talk you out of loading the gun and putting it to your head. I hit rock bottom along with you, always by your side. I broke bones in the fall, my love.
Me by your side, we came out stronger. You got sober, put down the poison, and I tried to heal as best I could. But the bones grew together wrong... they aren't as strong as they once were. Fragile... i'm fragile, darling. I love you, and that scares me. It keeps me up at night, it makes me physically sick. I know you aren't good for each other, but i'm too involved now. I'm in too deep. You shattered my heart, and I want you to be the one to make me whole again. I want you to pick up the pieces, hold me in your arms, say its going to be alright. You love me, and I love you. I said I would wait for you to get your feet underneath you again, and I will. I will wait for an eternity, if that's what it takes. You call me unique, unlike any girl you've ever met, you say you've never felt this way about anyone before, and I parrot that back to you, but I mean it. I mean every word I say about you. I say i'm fine being friends, but its killing me. I dream about you, your hot breath on my neck, your lips on mine, my body molding into yours as we embrace, fitting perfectly... the last piece in a twisted jigsaw puzzle. Tell me how I'm supposed to act. How do I mask the pain? How do I pretend everything is fine, that I am alright with this? I will wait, because you need me too. I will wait and hope that someday this hurt will be worth it... that one day you will be mine, because I'm already yours.
Love,
S
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(2 Epitaphs | Make A Killing)
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| Dearyou |
[07 Nov 2009|12:32am] |
If you could call me so that I can talk to you like I really want to that would be awesome. I am stupid and can't bring myself to call you because I don't want to hear that you're busy or that I woke you up or something.
Thanks,
That girl
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(Make A Killing)
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[06 Nov 2009|08:28pm] |
Dear self,
I'm so proud of you. You finally found something that you love and enjoy. It's a shame that it's going to end in two weeks, but it was a great experience. Maybe the guidance councilor will get another internship class onto your schedule. It would be awesome if the Chief wouldn't mind. But that isn't what matters right now.
You succeeded! The most successful you have ever been. It's a great feeling. It really is. I have never felt so proud to be who I am. I guess when you love something so much you work for it and don't even take notice to how successful you've been become until someone says something. This is incredible, to be recognized in front of the township as someone who is doing a good job and helping the department caught up on everything.
Good job, and never give up. This is what you were born to do. Stick with it.
Love always,
Me
Derek Jeter,
You are LOL hilarious. Enough said.
Sincerely,
Me
A-Rod,
You are seriously the cutest dork ever.
Reporter: Take a minute to take this in.
You: ....OKAY! :D
Seriously, so fucking cute.
<3
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(Make A Killing)
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| I don't wanna wait in vain for your love |
[06 Nov 2009|08:06pm] |
| [ |
music |
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in life I know that there is lots of grief |
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Dear M,
Ooooh, my, if you date D I'm going to be upset for no good reason. It feels so grade 9 again, you know? Me with my huge unrequited crush and you with your silliness and good looks that get him to fall without you so much as lifting a finger. I don't even think I'm legitimately upset by this, I'm just... impressed, and frustrated, and in awe of it.
I can't believe I still have a crush on him. We're gradufrickingating this year.
Please remember that you dumped him then? You'll dump him within a few weeks this time, too, right?
RIGHT?
REMEMBER WHAT A SHITTY DANCER HE IS!
This is all me observing you over facebook, remember. I am am probably wrong.
You know what? I need a new crush. I'm moving on to Philosophy Boy. He's got dreadlocks and also doesn't know what to think about Marxism.
I also miss you and love you and think you're the best.
Mmkay, guess that's all,
Best friends!
T
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(Make A Killing)
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[06 Nov 2009|03:59pm] |
dear friend,
anorexia nervosa is a disease.
stop screwing around with it.
eat like a normal, happy teen.
dont wish for something that awful.
thats like wishing for cancer.
your doing it for attention, i know.
everyone knows.
just stop. please.
love,
your friend,
the total and complete hyprocrite.
xx
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(Make A Killing)
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[06 Nov 2009|02:04pm] |
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mood |
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 crappy |
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dear boyfriend,
How do expect me to be happy if I cant tell you how Im really feeling? I have to hold everything in and just let it tear my insides apart?
Why am I the bad guy for telling the truth?
You and I are really two completely different people... and I think I may need to get rid of you to keep myself from being the mess I was before I met you 6 years ago..
But damnit, its so hard.
Why are you this way?
sincerely,
your rag doll
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(3 Epitaphs | Make A Killing)
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