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[05 Jan 2010|11:23pm] |
Dear you,
Please don't turn out to have been lying to me the whole time. You have too much to lose if you go through with it.
Be careful.
-me
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(Make A Killing)
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[06 Jan 2010|12:47am] |
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mood |
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 intimidated |
] |
Dear Family,
I understand that you're trying to help me through this thing with Nik, that you all hate to see me heartbroken and torn up every time we separate because we live so far away. What you don't realize is that I can handle it, and it's a choice I've made. I appreciate your words of comfort, every single one of them, but there's one thing that really keeps bothering me, and I kind of wish you'd all never said anything about it. And I do mean "you all." Every single one of you has said to me, "Hey, if it hurts this much, why not just move to Tennessee and be with him?"
You want to know why? Because it just isn't that easy. There are things about me that you just don't know, things that you're going to soon learn, and you'll all be disappointed in me, but it's my life. I make my own choices.
Why don't I just go? One, I'm fucking terrified of being away from you guys. What you don't understand is that you're my family, my rock, my foundation, my home, my heart. All through my teen years I didn't have a stable place to be, and now that I've got you, I don't know if I can ever leave. I know you're not going to go anywhere, that you wouldn't abandon me, that I'm crazy to think like this. But I can't leave you. You are my support. AND, every time I do leave and come back, you all say how much you missed me. I mean, I was only gone a week for both times, and you ALL missed me? How will you deal with it if I move?
Two, I have never had a real job. ...Ever. I wouldn't even know where to start to look for one. I'm pretty sure no one would hire me. I haven't got any skills, you know. And Heather thinks I could just up and start selling paintings and artwork, but I think she's never heard of the "starving artist." Plus, it would be in another state. That alone scares the hell out of me.
Three, I still can't drive. We still don't have a car that is stable enough to pass the inspection so I can take the test, and the vehicle you promised me is still broken, just as it has been for the past 6+ months. Even though you have th eparts to fix it. Even though you complain about driving me around all the time. Why won't you just fix the damned thing like you said you would, Dad, and then you wouldn't have to get up early to drive me everywhere and then come pick me up.
Four, I don't know if things with Nik are going to work out. I know I love him, I know it hurts to be away from him, I know we work well together. But we've only been around each other for a week at a time. How do you know I won't annoy the everliving shit out of him if I move there? And I wouldn't be moving in with him, I don't think, since he already has his dorm room (though he sort of hates it). I'd be on my own. And that scares me. If things end between us, well or not, I'd be stuck there. Stuck in Tennessee all heartbroken and away from you guys. And what you don't know is that I wouldn't have the... courage(?) to ask you to take me back. I couldn't do it.
And five, the biggest part of this? I haven't really been taking college classes for the past semester. In fact, I was on academic probation, and then I failed and got my scholarships taken away until I can prove that I'm a good little student who will do her work. I'm lying to your faces when I say, "Oh, I have class on so and so date from so and so time." And you never think to call BS on me. It tears me up inside that none of you says shit about it, that you never ask about how my "classes" went anymore. That I have you all fooled into thinking this is my "last semester" and I'm about to graduate is the biggest heartbreak of all. I don't know how to tell you. I sort of just want to quit, but I'm sure you'd never allow that.
...Or am I giving you less credit than you deserve, again? I know I can't ask you for financial help, though you haven't said anything, mom, I know we're just barely getting by. I know you're counting the time until Heather leaves for college, and I know you're silently hoping that I'll up and move too. I caught that little hint a couple of months ago, you know. The one about how you and Dad hoped to go on a "real date" in a year and a half or so when all the kids were gone? Yeah, I got what you were saying. I know I have to leave. I just am terrified of doing so.
All in all, family, I just have one thing to say.
PLEASE STOP SUGGESTING THAT I MOVE TO TENNESSEE, OR I JUST MIGHT.
Much Love (Sometimes),
Elysse
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(Make A Killing)
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[06 Jan 2010|12:03am] |
Dear You,
I'm taking the GRE tomorrow! I hope all this studying and practicing will actually pay off!
Sincerely,
Me
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(Make A Killing)
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[05 Jan 2010|11:11pm] |
Dear rude customer,
Your pizza was not burnt; that "brown stuff" on top of the pepperoni was your extra cheese, which cooked faster than the rest of the cheese due to the grease from the pepperoni. You didn't need to bite Jen's head off or cause any fuss. You say you "can't feed burnt pizza to a seven-year-old"? It was nine forty-five at night. Instead of worrying over supposedly burnt food, why don't you feed your kid earlier, and perhaps include some vegetables and fruit in his diet? So don't even start trying to act like the Father of the Year, jackass.
Your delivery driver
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(1 Epitaph | Make A Killing)
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[05 Jan 2010|09:59pm] |
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Dear friends with babies,
I was just looking through some people's facebook pictures, and apparently a couple of their friends came to visit them at college. I thought to myself, hey, that'd be pretty cool. I should get *insert names here* to come see me... oh wait. I forgot about the child situation. Don't get me wrong. I love your children-- they are as cute as can be, and I understand that there's a load of responsibility that comes with them. I'm glad you guys are good moms. But y'all... we are NINETEEN. You guys are two of my closest friends. Just to be selfish for a minute, it really bites that most of the time, we can hardly do anything. You guys will never see my dorm room at college. You will probably never even see my campus forreal. You won't be able to come to StepSing. We can't even have an old-fashioned SLEEPOVER anymore. We (and by we I mean mainly you two because L and I have nothing to add on this subject) spend most of our time together talking about the best way to treat diaper rash and what your babies' poo looks like. I love you both dearly, but dear Lord if I'm being honest, it is so damn TAXING to spend time with you guys sometimes. I want us all to get together, and at the same time I almost don't because most of the time I feel like I'm being forced to listen to a two-person dialogue about Pampers vs. Huggies. I could try to change the subject, but it inevitably winds right back up where it started: trading advice about babies. There's no easy way to tell you this. Scratch that-- not only is there no easy way to tell you this, but there is no NICE way either. So I guess I just won't. Thank God for communities that provide a place to vent anonymously. I love you guys, but you are just stressing me out right now. -Sizzles
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(Make A Killing)
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[05 Jan 2010|10:22pm] |
Dear E,
I'm never satisfied with the time we spend together. It's just not enough, I miss you when you're not around. It was two weeks this time.. could we work on that please?
J
Dear A,
I can't help missing what we had. So easy, so comfortable... almost effortless. We just were. I miss that, and I miss you. I'm hoping to bring a little bit of that back Monday. Dallas green.. 7 days.. and there's noone else I'd rather experience this with. You really did (do) mean so much to me. Regardless of what happens, you gave me the best summer of my life, and I'll always be thankful for that.
With Love,
J
Dear GC,
You are hell. I have a hard time willing myself to get up every morning in order to drag myself to you. I hate this job now that she's gone.
No Love,
J
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(Make A Killing)
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[05 Jan 2010|11:14am] |
Dear body,
I'm hating on you right now. This is no way to start out the new year; running to the bathroom every hour and getting sick? Okay, you need to stop. You're getting dehydrated all because it's hard to stomach WATER. Water, seriously, I need it. Just accept it and stop feeling nauseated after drinking it. This is NOT fair, I have missed two days of school already and I don't want to start the new year off like this. Please, just fucking stop already before I have to go to the hospital to get an IV. Thanks.
No lovin',
Your mind
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(1 Epitaph | Make A Killing)
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| Too Much Breathing Space |
[05 Jan 2010|07:03am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 cynical |
] |
Dear World,
You've left me alone for too long, out in all this empty space. I don't think that I will be able to carry on much longer, floating in space is becoming much harder than dealing with the people around me ever was. The silence fills my ears, but not in a good way. It's not like sound is, weightless, like air. Silence is like sea water. It runs through every crack, fills every crevice, drowning everything in contact with. It makes me feel heavy, like a entire ocean were pushing down on me from above. But, now it's drowning my very thoughts, hindering even my ability to write. All I have left is my writing, and if I can't continue on with my stories, what am I even living for? Hope? Myself? No, not even a threat upon my own safety is enough to keep me afloat.
- J
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(Make A Killing)
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[05 Jan 2010|07:32pm] |
Dear Boy,
Telling you we could no longer speak was hard. Actually sticking to my guns is going to be harder. I don’t think we will never speak again – we work together so that is just unrealistic – but I need time to get you out of my system. I need time to make me forget the way my heart skips a beat whenever a text or email from you pops up. To forget the way I get nervous and my stomach does somersaults whenever I am about to see you. To forget the way you make me laugh and feel like the most beautiful girl you have ever met. Because I know I’m not, since you have a girlfriend. And even though you tell me you’re falling for me, or that I am amazing and gorgeous and perfect, I know you would never leave her. So this is it, my goodbye to you and any feelings I have for you. Because I refuse to be that girl.
- Me
Dear Self,
You’re doing the right thing. As much as it hurts and feels like an impossible goal, I know you can do it. Because everything he ever said was true. You are amazing and gorgeous and wonderful. What you aren’t, however, is someone who messes around with a taken guy. Everything that has happened over the last month, it isn’t you. You know what it is like to feel insecure in a relationship and to do what you did to that girl is horrible. So it stops right now. You’re better than this. So much better.
Tomorrow you start afresh. And you can refocus your attention on what is most important to you right now. You’re going to Europe, baby! The one thing you have dreamed of for your whole life. It may be 16 months away but start getting excited!
Love always, me.
Dear Yann Tiersen,
Your piano version of La Valse d'Amélie gave me the courage to make an important decision.
Thank you.
- Me
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(Make A Killing)
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[04 Jan 2010|08:24pm] |
Dear Future,
Is it normal to fear you so much? I know that you'll bring goodbyes, thousands of goodbyes, but there's one I'm particularly worried about. You took my Nan from me, that was one big goodbye that tore me to pieces. This goodbye will tear me to pieces even more. I don't know if he knows how often I think about him leaving. I wish I was a senior so I could leave as soon as he does and not be stuck in a place that reminds me of the boy I fell in love with who left to go serve his country. I know that I'll survive. I'll be okay. I think you'll come home for breaks where you'll probably call me. You won't want to continue our relationship, I know that. I don't know that actually. I don't know anything. I don't know what will happen, I just know I cry whenever I think about it. I've given myself to you like I've never given to anyone else. I've never loved anyone for as long as I've loved you. The future, you threaten to take him away. You're going to. I know this all sounds crazy, but he's all I've ever known and I'm SO happy that that is true. I wouldn't want it any other way. But please future, please, just be kind to me.
Sincerely,
Upset.
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(Make A Killing)
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[04 Jan 2010|07:26am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 listless |
] |
Dear World,
I feel so stretched thin, so much of the time. Like a piece of worn elastic, pulled tight to snapping.
But for some reason I still love you a little.
Please just break me already.
Dear class,
Please don't suck today, or ever. I can't take another semester like the last one.
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(Make A Killing)
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